Southern Humor

Southern Sayings

"She was madder than a wet hen!"

"I was shittin' in high cotton."

"I worked my dick in the dirt."

"Don't make me open up a can of whup ass!"

This is how to use these phrases:

When you don't come home after work, your wife is madder than a wet hen. When you hand your paycheck to her and it has a lot of overtime you're shittin' in high cotton. But that's because you worked your dick in the dirt. But if you hadn't up, she would have opened up a can of whup ass and you wished you had.

Short Southern Dialogues

A man from N.Y City was lost in the Southern Appalachians. He goes up to a farmer taking a break from plowing his fields...

"How do you get to Billy Bob Coker's place from here?"

"Who's boy are you? I don't reckon I know you?"

"I'm Harold Coker's son from over in Lickskillit?"

"Well it's just over the knob there," he said pointing south.

"You know the place, the one up there next to Aunt Sallie's barn, your mother's second cousin and her daddy's side. Or if you go in by the back road it's the farm right across the creek and you turn right at Mr. Jack's old barn that burned to the ground with those two fine mules still in it. Why hell, son, you can't miss it. I blind man could find it without much trouble."

An old woman went to the governor's office to ask him to pardon her husband who had been in prison for a year...

"What's in for?" the gov. asked.

"For stealing a ham."

"Well, that doesn't sound like real serious crime to me," the gov. said.

"Is he a good man and good to ya?"

"No, he's a mean as a skunk."

"Is he a hard worker?"

"No he won't hardly work a-tall. He'd lay down beside work and go to sleep."

"Well, why would you want a man like that out of prison and to come back home?"

"Well, Governor, I'll be right honest with ya'. We're plum out of ham."

This old man from up North died and went to heaven...

St. Peter showed him a round for a little while and the man thought everything had lived up to his dreams of heaven--streets paved with gold and silver, angels singing beautiful songs and some of them were playing harps. But he started hearing these folks in the corner of heaven raising a ruckus, complaining and shouting. He went over to look into the situation and found them all chained to a wall. He said to St. Peter, "Who are all these people?"

St. Peter said, "why they are folks born and raised in the Southern Appalachians."

"Why are they all chained up like that to a wall?"

St. Peter said, "Well, if we didn't do that they'd go home every weekend."

Redneck Romance

"I like coffee," she says on her first date with Bubba.

"Me too! I love coffee," Bubba asserts.

"I really love going to the movies."

"Me too!" Bubba is getting pretty excited about finding his soul mate.

"I love the ballet," she pats Bubba's hand resting on the cafe table.

"Me too! I love the ballet." Truth is during the first stage of a redneck romance you can get a redneck to say he even loves the ballet.

"What's your favorite?" she says with hope in her voice.

Bubba thinks real hard for a moment. It hurts him. "Swan Pond. I love Swan Pond!"

Six months later...

"Bubba, honey there's a ballet in Birmingham (Alabama's New York City) I'd like us to go see."

"I ain't goin' to no damn ballet. I hate ballet. You can just ballet your butt over to the frig and get me a beer." Bubba scratches his scrotum and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, I wonder where she ever got the idear that I'd go to the ballet?

When the Buddha Met Bubba Excerpt 1

Boy hidey you should see that hotel—fancy! They have this big ole aquarium in the lobby and shiny marble floors and everyone says “Good afternoon, sir,” and “Yes, sir,” and “No, sir.” But there was one problem that I figured was gonna mess it all up. The woman behind the counter smiled at Pooh and me when we stepped up to it to get our room.

“Good evening, sir, how are you this beautiful night?” the lady said. “I believe you are the gentlemen Captain Sam called about. We have a reservation for a beautiful room that overlooks the river. He requested a King size bed.” The desk lady said so politely like she’d been raised in the South, but with a Yankee accent.

I pulled Pooh’s arm and motioned for him to step back. “Pooh she said a king size bed. What about my room?”

“Do you have enough money to pay for another room?”

“No sir. You know I don’t.”

Pooh paused and smiled, “Then I guess we’ll have to make do with the one.” He winked at me, “Trust me.”

Now I got to tell you this was going a little too damn far for me. Everybody knows that when two women have to share a room there ain’t no problem and no one necessarily is going to think they are from Lesbovia. Women can do that sort stuff and get away with it just fine. But men, all men—not just us rednecks—are taught from the day we were born that it ain’t even right to get in your momma and daddy’s bed even if you’re scared when you’re little, let alone sleep in the same bed with another full grown man. So I took a coin out of my pocket and said to Pooh, “I’ll flip you for the bed. Heads you get the bed and tails I get the bed. Whoever loses can either sleep in the bathtub or on the floor.”

“Alright if you insist. It should be large enough to accommodate both of us.” Pooh was grinning. I didn’t see the humor in the situation.

“Yeah, but your big ass is gonna take up damn near all of it and besides I ain’t sleepin with nobody that ain’t a woman and you ain’t one so call it.”

Damn if he didn’t get the bed. But boy hidey were the rooms ever something. The shower was separate from the bathtub, which was where I’d be sleeping. The damn bathroom was bigger than my room at Unclaimed Baggage and even had a telephone in it. They have big acorns on the curtains and carpets and one of them flat screen TVs with them kind of movies that me and Chigger would watch in secret when we were kids. When his mom was at the market, we’d run to the basement and turn on his momma’s old projector. We watched those girly movies while eating candy bars and drinking Whiskey. I thought I’d done died and gone to heaven.

Pooh plotted his butt on to the bed right off and patted it with his left hand and then he closed his eyes. I thought he was going to take a nap or something. But he didn’t. “Sit down Bubba and let me ask you a question before I meditate. And you are welcome to get in bed anytime that bathtub gets too uncomfortable. But here’s the question. I want to know what you think the good things are about being raised in this part of the world.”

“The good things? Well, I’ll have to ponder on that for few minutes. I’m sure there are some. Let’s see.” I thought for about five minutes and Pooh just lay there with his eyes closed. “Alright then, here’s a few: We never forget our momma and daddy’s birthdays. Hell, I remember daddy’s and he didn’t hardly amount to anything in my life. We are taught always to say ‘Yes, sir,’ and ‘No, ma’am,’ especially to people we didn’t know. We even say it even to people younger than us and even to black folks. Us rednecks go see their kids play sports no matter what kind it is—wrestling matches, girls basketball you name it. Our mommas know how to make the best biscuits and gravy and fried chicken in the whole damn world. We know not to tell someone we’re going to do something unless we’re going to do it because our word is our bond. There you go. I can come up with more examples if you like.”

Pooh opened his eyes. “Thank you, maybe you can tell me more later.”He patted the bed again. “Sure you don’t want to join me up here?”

“I’m real sure.”

Read the first 3 chapters of "When The Buddha Met Bubba"

When the Buddha Met Bubba Excerpt 2

I closed my eyes for a minute or two and when I opened them there he stood. Now let me set the record straight I’ve jumped off the cliffs at Whippoorwill Hollow into the Tennessee River and I’ve ridden on top of cars going real fast while playing chicken and many a time I’ve uttered the words, “Hey, I bet you never seen anybody do this before?” But when it came to a half-naked Oriental popping out of a suitcase, I peed my pants.

Read the first 3 chapters of "When The Buddha Met Bubba"