When the Buddha Met Bubba Excerpts
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When the Buddha Met Bubba Excerpt 1
Boy hidey you should see that hotel—fancy! They have this big ole aquarium in the lobby and shiny marble floors and everyone says “Good afternoon, sir,” and “Yes, sir,” and “No, sir.” But there was one problem that I figured was gonna mess it all up. The woman behind the counter smiled at Pooh and me when we stepped up to it to get our room.
“Good evening, sir, how are you this beautiful night?” the lady said. “I believe you are the gentlemen Captain Sam called about. We have a reservation for a beautiful room that overlooks the river. He requested a King size bed.” The desk lady said so politely like she’d been raised in the South, but with a Yankee accent.
I pulled Pooh’s arm and motioned for him to step back. “Pooh she said a king size bed. What about my room?”
“Do you have enough money to pay for another room?”
“No sir. You know I don’t.”
Pooh paused and smiled, “Then I guess we’ll have to make do with the one.” He winked at me, “Trust me.”
Now I got to tell you this was going a little too damn far for me. Everybody knows that when two women have to share a room there ain’t no problem and no one necessarily is going to think they are from Lesbovia. Women can do that sort stuff and get away with it just fine. But men, all men—not just us rednecks—are taught from the day we were born that it ain’t even right to get in your momma and daddy’s bed even if you’re scared when you’re little, let alone sleep in the same bed with another full grown man. So I took a coin out of my pocket and said to Pooh, “I’ll flip you for the bed. Heads you get the bed and tails I get the bed. Whoever loses can either sleep in the bathtub or on the floor.”
“Alright if you insist. It should be large enough to accommodate both of us.” Pooh was grinning. I didn’t see the humor in the situation.
“Yeah, but your big ass is gonna take up damn near all of it and besides I ain’t sleepin with nobody that ain’t a woman and you ain’t one so call it.”
Damn if he didn’t get the bed. But boy hidey were the rooms ever something. The shower was separate from the bathtub, which was where I’d be sleeping. The damn bathroom was bigger than my room at Unclaimed Baggage and even had a telephone in it. They have big acorns on the curtains and carpets and one of them flat screen TVs with them kind of movies that me and Chigger would watch in secret when we were kids. When his mom was at the market, we’d run to the basement and turn on his momma’s old projector. We watched those girly movies while eating candy bars and drinking Whiskey. I thought I’d done died and gone to heaven.
Pooh plotted his butt on to the bed right off and patted it with his left hand and then he closed his eyes. I thought he was going to take a nap or something. But he didn’t. “Sit down Bubba and let me ask you a question before I meditate. And you are welcome to get in bed anytime that bathtub gets too uncomfortable. But here’s the question. I want to know what you think the good things are about being raised in this part of the world.”
“The good things? Well, I’ll have to ponder on that for few minutes. I’m sure there are some. Let’s see.” I thought for about five minutes and Pooh just lay there with his eyes closed. “Alright then, here’s a few: We never forget our momma and daddy’s birthdays. Hell, I remember daddy’s and he didn’t hardly amount to anything in my life. We are taught always to say ‘Yes, sir,’ and ‘No, ma’am,’ especially to people we didn’t know. We even say it even to people younger than us and even to black folks. Us rednecks go see their kids play sports no matter what kind it is—wrestling matches, girls basketball you name it. Our mommas know how to make the best biscuits and gravy and fried chicken in the whole damn world. We know not to tell someone we’re going to do something unless we’re going to do it because our word is our bond. There you go. I can come up with more examples if you like.”
Pooh opened his eyes. “Thank you, maybe you can tell me more later.”He patted the bed again. “Sure you don’t want to join me up here?”
“I’m real sure.”
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When the Buddha Met Bubba Excerpt 2
I closed my eyes for a minute or two and when I opened them there he stood. Now let me set the record straight I’ve jumped off the cliffs at Whippoorwill Hollow into the Tennessee River and I’ve ridden on top of cars going real fast while playing chicken and many a time I’ve uttered the words, “Hey, I bet you never seen anybody do this before?” But when it came to a half-naked Oriental popping out of a suitcase, I peed my pants.
